I drank and scored drugs and slept with strangers. I felt invincible. I had no feelings. I hated you and I hated me but what I didn’t know was I hated I couldn’t feel. Everything was taken from me. A friend died and I didn’t want to be next. I tried getting clean, but I lied about everything.
I tried to kill myself and I woke up in a hospital. And then something happened. I felt something.
I felt something. That was the start. Once I started feeling I could start talking and once I started talking, I could start to look at the trauma and the years of hurt the years I couldn’t speak about it about being abused when I was a child.
Trauma does that it buries itself deep down inside and I used anything to stop feeling it.
Now I’m clean now I have tools to call on when it comes when it wants me back. I’ve learnt to go back to the child to my inner child and to say it’s going to be ok. It takes a lot of work but when I get rattled, I sit with myself and remember all the work I’ve done and I try and go back. The trick is to tell yourself it doesn’t have to be the same anymore, like I no longer have relive the trauma.