Methamphetamine and I have been together for as long as I can remember, despite my best efforts to stop. After years of trying to break up, I’ve decided this time it really is over. There have been several attempts to escape our toxic relationship, but the symptoms of separation anxiety, depression, and fear often seduce me back into the relationship. The more time that passes, the more dependent I become. And even when we’re apart, methamphetamine always seems to be on my mind.

When I’m not using, my mind becomes filled with anxiety or panic from a deep sense of loss. Depression takes root and suicidal thoughts get closer and closer to tomorrow. I can no longer feel what normal feels like, and my soul becomes void of all happiness. Every breath that I take becomes heavier from the tension in the air and any beauty that I would normally appreciate vanishes.

Each trigger has its hands on the clock. As time ticks by and each minute passes, the clock gets louder. When a single hour turns into two hours turns into three hours turns into four hours, I’ll finally snap. I’ll pick up the phone and place my order. No matter what happens next, “methamphetamine will save me”.

I know I’m in a bad place when I start thinking like this. I know that using methamphetamine is only going to make my life harder in the future. But in the moment, in the throes of my addiction, I can’t see anything beyond getting high.

But in my heart, I know that methamphetamine is only going to make things worse. I know that it’s tearing my life apart. I know that it’s going to ruin my health. I know that it’s going to make my cancer come back.

I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep using methamphetamine and pretending like it’s not tearing my life apart. I know that it is. I can see the destruction it’s causing. I can see how it’s ruining my health. I can see how it’s making me into someone I’m not.

I’m finally ready to face my fears and quit using methamphetamine for good. I know it won’t be easy, I understand the challenge ahead. Methamphetamine addiction can be difficult to overcome with multiple mental illnesses and layers upon layers of complex PTSD. But I’m determined to make a fresh start. I’ll be going to rehab, followed with counselling and attending support groups to help me stay on track. I’m also going to make sure I have a strong support system of friends and family who will be there for me when I need them. With their help, I know I can overcome this addiction and finally live a happy, healthy life.

I’m grateful to have finally realised that meth is destroying my life. It’s not easy to face my fears and admit that I need help, but I’m ready to do whatever it takes. I know I can’t do it alone, but with the help of my friends, family, and counsellors, I know I can overcome this addiction and learn how to manage my triggers. Because if I can stop betraying my trust when I promise myself it’s going to get better, I can finally live the healthy, happy life I deserve.